Scottish Highlands

Scottish Highlands

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Making It Up As I Go Along #355

TUESDAY...
— Sleep a bit better than most first day shifts. That is to say, I get about 5.5 hours.
— Work is alright. I leave a bit early to go to supper with Janice, Cara, and Laura. It’s good... much laughter and pretty good food.
— Obama is in. It all happens while I’m working but I watch highlights in the evening. Pretty impressive how much people have been swept up in it. I hope people don’t expect Obama to walk on water... but it’s at least good to see hopefulness rather than anger.

WEDNESDAY...
— Sleep pretty good for middle of day shift. I got to sleep by 10:30ish last night and slept pretty much up to the alarm... with a little wake around 3:30.
— Work is crazy. The extra sleep helped keep my mind alive through it anyway.
— Groceries... then some napping and TV in the evening. It’s up late night again... transition time.

THURSDAY...
— Mostly a sleep day. Sleep in until 10:00. Fall asleep on the sofa off and on between 1:00 and 2:00. Afternoon nap at 2:15. Up again to get ready for work at 4:00.
— Work is pretty good. Fairly steady evening... not much down time but not run off the feet either.
— My neck and back are acting up. Tired back and muscles are tight in the neck.

FRIDAY...
— Quiet time around the house with some sleep and some laundry.
— Work is alright. Pretty steady for most of the night. I skip the gym because my neck and upper back are acting up. First time in about a year but I’ve felt this before... not horrible... I can move... but tender.
— For the first time in years... a no SPAM e-mail day. Not a one. Crazy.

SATURDAY...
— Sleep until around 11:00. Hang at home after I rise. Taking it easy and staying warm. It’s -36 in the morning with the wind chill. Blah!

SUNDAY...
— Softball... we lose... again. But at least get close this time. 14-10. Some food and drink after the game with Nick, Steve, Dusty, Dave... Melissa and Steve’s girlfriend join us there.

MONDAY...
— Some afternoon reading. It’s just still too cold to go outside for any length of time.
— Evening movie with Melissa. Slumdog Millionaire... lives up to the hype in my books. I think it’s the best movie I’ve seen this year... maybe two years.


Reasons to Turn Off the Tube
TV commercials are insanely bad. Today I saw one of those ads for bathtubs. Those walk in tubs for the elderly. Today they also include selling it to those with “larger body types”. That’s the phraseology used when a business is trying to sell an item to a fat person. They also listed the safety features that come with these tubs. Safety features such as... taps. Seriously, they list a tap as a safety feature? Well I guess it is if the anti-tap bathtub option is getting the elderly hiking buckets of boiling water from the kitchen stove to the bathroom.

There are other poorly advertised things. The car insurance with the crazy woman. She’s the one who drives up to a four way stop behind, as with the bath tubs, an elderly person. She sits in her car and goes insane. Yelling out the window and screeching off around the car giving herself a whiplash. Of course the entire ad misses the point. That some elderly person is left sitting lifelessly in the middle of an intersection. Probably dead behind the wheel. Heart attack, most likely. But at least he died with lower car insurance. If only he made it home to die in his walk in bathtub... that one with the safety taps.

There’s also commercials for useless items. But, in hopes of selling vast quantities of the uselessness, they advertise them as being state of the art. Of being things we can never get by without.

In hopes to strike a note with those of us who are losing all our money trying to heat our homes, there’s a new blanket being advertised. You see, if you’d like to keep your home heating bill down, you may want to not turn the thermostat up on those cold days. Blankets are good but those suckers without this new, futuristic blanket, will be trapped once they pull the covers up.

At this point in time, a poor woman is seen struggling under her blanket as the phone rings. Sitting so close to her... but she’s unable to free herself in time. Never fear, Miracle Blanket is here. This blanket comes with sleeves. So you’re laying there looking like a fleeced up Buddhist Monk.

The commercial continues with the insanity. People are walking through their house with the blanket left on. Sleeves allow you to go to the stove and stir the pot while blanketed. Need to take out the trash? Well it’s cold out there too... keep your blanket on. The family of fleece sleeved blanketeers even venture out to a Fall ball game. All toasty warm in the stands while other fans sit slack jawed, nervously trying to slide along the stands to give the cult family as much elbow room as possible. If people are so stupid as to get excited about paying $30 to drape themselves in blanketry, all hope for them partaking as normal individuals, in society, is lost.

We have the bearded man who sells all sorts of garbage without the aid of microphone. At least there must not be a microphone within fifty feet of him... it’s the only reason I can see for his excessive loudness. He isn’t yelling or shouting so much... he’s just got this great bellow of a voice going. I imagine him in bed with the wife, rolling over at 3:00 in the morning wanting to gently whisper a late night secret to her. He gently touches her on the shoulder and whispers “ARE YOU UP HONEY!” She flies out of the bed and collapses onto the floor with a heart attack. Soon after, the bearded loud man has to buy his wife one of those walk in tubs. Her heart can’t take the strain of climbing over the side.

So this guy sells all sorts of things. Today, his main product is Mighty Putty. This is play dough that can be used anywhere. It sticks handles back on cups. Sticks towel racks up on walls. Plugs leaks in pipes and puts legs back on chairs. I’d like to see an entire house built of Mighty Putty. That thing would be indestructible!

There’s Sham Wow. An absorbent cloth made by Germans. As said in the commercial “You know German’s make good stuff.” What? Why would I know that? Like those suckers under sleeveless blankets, those who don’t buy a Sham Wow are “throwing their money away” on paper towels. Yes, many an empire has been lost due to excessive paper towel purchases. The Sham Wow is even washable. Just throw it into the washing machine after you use it. Although I’m often left wondering how the machine fills up with water if this super absorbent cloth is soaking it up as it pours into the basin? I wonder if a Sham Wow folded in the corner of a room could be used as a dehumidifier? Sucking the moisture right out of the air. Ah, thank God for those Germans.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

About time you wrote something half funny. Now, if you will excuse me, I have Mighty Puttied my sleeved blanky to my walk in tub.

Anonymous said...

Many thanks for your post! I really enjoyed reading it.

Anonymous said...

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