Making It Up As I Go Along #501

Holyfield

I am now Evander Holyfield!

Minus the riches… fame… muscular physique… religious conviction… heavyweight titles… and blackness.

What I am, is the same weight as Holyfield when he was boxing.  Prior to this week, I was heavier than Holyfield.  I can see the tale of the tape now as they lead in to our heavyweight battle. 

“Brown has the weight advantage over the champion, can he use that to gain victory?”

I doubt there’d be any belt around my waist.  Not that type of belt anyway.  But so goes my constant weight comparisons to those men who have such statistics on the back of cards sold in packs with gum.  I’ve always done it… and the range of feelings in this is wide.

Even up to grade twelve, I was light for a pro athlete.  I remember that it was actually in grade twelve when I first broke the 150 pound barrier.  I was so excited to become the weight of a real man.

But karma plays cruel tricks on those who get cocky, and a stomach flu soon dropped me back to 140.  Once again, I was a bean pole.

But my university years brought back the good times.  I got into the 180s and suddenly had the height and weight of a legitimate hockey player.  Sure I was a little short… but all hockey players lie about height and, if I was actually in the NHL, I’d likely be listed at 5’11” or maybe even 6’!  5’9.5” would do!

I walked with the swagger of a pro.  Pat LaFontaine was making millions of dollars and carried himself with such class… We are the same size… I AM Pat LaFontaine!

Skating ability… passing ability… shooting ability… even ability to put on hockey equipment properly!  None of this would stand in my way.

As the years go on, my weight climbs further.  I go from finesse centre to power forward!  Yes I’m shorter than the average power forward.  But I’m wide, and have a low centre of balance.  This will work in my favour!  And Don Cherry will rant about me being from the Rock.  A Tank from the Rock with a heart to match!  Ohh, these are the glory days of my youth.  Nothing can stop me.

A summer in Vancouver has me eating better and walking everywhere.  I drop weight and get back into the 180s.  With the coming of the hockey season, that Fall, I imagine them talking about how my off season workout regime has made me faster… more powerful… nothing can stop me!

Then something did stop me… a torn MCL.  And several months on the sofa bring back the pounds that my summer regime erased.  Still, I’m in the game.

As time goes on, so does the weight climb.  And it would go in stages.  Summers I’d drop pounds.  More time outside… more salads… more running around.  Winters I’d gain them back… Blankets on the sofa… gorging… building a fat layer as a waddling raccoon or hibernating bear. 

And as the years go on, my weight goes from that of power forward… to offensive defenceman… to stay at home defenceman who can clear the front of the net!  I am no longer Pat LaFontaine.  I’ve become a stubby version of Brad Marsh.  Less tank… more mound.

Christmases have become the worst for weight gain.  I think it’s the fact that you go home for Christmas that does it.  All these foods that you won’t have the opportunity to have living alone in Ottawa… you must feast while with family in Newfoundland.  And, for several years, I would gain weight in sumo wrestler fashion.  Gaining a pound for every day back home. 

This is manageable if you’re only home for an extended, five day weekend.  But in 2009/10, I went home for ten days… and returned with work to do. 

It was in that winter when I would have to resort to holding my breath in order to bend over and tie my boots.  And it was then when I came to the realization that no hockey team would have me anymore.

Lack of skill always kept me out of the NHL.  Lack of skill kept me out of rec leagues.  But inability to tie boots and breath at the same time kicked me out of imaginary hockey.

Then came the winter of 2010/11.  And I started venturing into depression levels of weight.  Passing the 230 pound mark.

I am forced to remember a favorite episode of the Simpson’s.  Homer rushes out to Marge, excited for a weight loss.  “Marge! I’m 229 and feeling fine!”

Overhearing the statement, Mr. Burns chimes in. “Let me get this straight… you’re pleased by your appearance? Why my good man, you’re the fattest thing I’ve ever seen! And I’ve been on safari.” 

With those words, Homer runs away crying.  And in that winter.  The winter of 2010/11, I was a pound heavier than Safari Homer.

Now normal weight Homer is 239.  So all was not necessarily lost for me.  But I was getting dangerously close to normal Homer weight.  One more extended Christmas vacation come get me there!

And with that, I began to watch myself.  Not really dieting.  Eating what I want still.  But reducing.  Smaller portions.  Fewer servings.  Less soft drinks.   More walks. 

And this past Christmas I thought about the things going into my mouth.  Again, not dieting… but not gorging either.  And after a two week stay in Newfoundland, I returned to Ottawa at about the same weight as I was before I left.  And where last winter I hovered around the 230 pound mark.  This winter ended with me closer to the 220 marker.

But with 40 years of age comes a few things.  Now, my fantasy hockey career would be behind the bench.  I’d be that former heart and soul player now assisting the coach and rolling the defence pairings.

And 40 also brings physicals at the doctors office.  And phrases like “watch your cholesterol.” And “lose some weight.”

So I pay a little more attention to food.  A small, unbuttered popcorn at the movies rather than the regular buttered version (completely forgotten is the large buttered popcorn of my youth).  And I make a point of brisk walks now as well.

Just these two things have dropped another five pounds off in the last two weeks.  And that has brought me to where I now stand.  218 pounds.  Evander Holyfield fighting weight. 

Perhaps it’s time to begin thinking.  Thinking about my hockey comeback.

SATURDAY…

--- Back to work.  Pretty slow going.

--- After work I do a walk around the woods/ponds.  See a beaver in the furthest pond from my place.  He’s not happy to see me.  Jumps into the water from the shore and does a tail slap wanting me to leave.

--- Supper and a bit of TV.

SUNDAY…

--- Very slow day.  Feels like a 16 hour work day.

--- Some Sunday TV after I’m home.  Game of Thrones is back… nice to see.  And Mad Men remains the best of the lot.

MONDAY…

--- Night shift.  Pretty regular.

TUESDAY…

--- An hour walk before work is nice.

--- Walking at work on night shift and almost step on a rabbit.  Well… get within 3-4 feet of it anyway.  I think he hoped to just freeze and I wouldn’t see him.

--- Thai food makes for good eats for supper tonight.

WEDNESDAY…

--- A walk after breakfast.  Just done in time as some drizzle falls soon after I get back.

THURSDAY…

--- Physio.  Up the weight to ten pounds.  Groceries and a walk follow.  Blue Jays game was five plus hours of craziness.  Nice to have baseball back.

FRIDAY…

--- Another hour walk with some house cleaning, BBQ burgers for supper, and a movie with Sarah and Phil tonight.  Hunger Games was worth the watch.  Solid.