The Ghosts of Bigfoot
TV is a fine thing.
Especially for single people alone in the house… it educates, entertains
and inspires.
I try to make most of my TV watching worthwhile. For example, I stay clear of most regular
sitcoms. I’ve watched Honey Boo Boo
silliness only twice (each time with mouth agape in shock over the
stupidity). I PVR the Nature of Things
and Doc Zone and watch well written shows like Mad Men, Game of Thrones and
Breaking Bad.
But I have flaws in my TV times as well. I regularly watch Survivor… rooting for my
favourites while shaking my head at the antics of the ‘villain’.
But my biggest weakness in the world of stupid TV are those
shows in which they investigate the supernatural.
Sometimes UFOs are tackled. Where all video evidence has
been filmed on “fuzzy” setting and a bruise on the leg, shrugged off by most as
“I must have bumped something” is, to the believer, proof of abduction and
probing.
But the shows that I occasionally crave and enjoy the most
are those dealing with ghosts and Sasquatch.
There is currently a Ghost Adventure show that seems to be
on at least fifteen hours of each day.
And I admit, the marathon sessions of the show… where they show five or
six episodes back to back… is tiring.
But to watch an episode here or there is often fun.
The Ghost Adventurers always end up locked in a haunted
building over night. And they’re always
in the dark… literally. All the lights
are turned off so only infrared cameras separate the show from a radio
broadcast. And why would they think that
ghosts are nocturnal anyway? Are we
expected to believe that, when we die, we take on a bat-like state? Does sunlight hurt our… vapor?
Anyway, each episode of this show is basically the same
thing in a new spot. Head to a different
warehouse/home/bar/jail/insane asylum… turn off all the lights… lock the door…
and plead for a sign.
Most of the time it goes something like this…
“If you are here, do something! Throw this lamp or push me
over.”
(slight tapping on the wall down the hall)
“Did you hear that?!?!” “shhh shhhh” “If that was you… do it again!”
Nobody is ever pushed over.
No lamp is ever thrown. A mouse
running over abandoned junk two rooms down the hall turns in to a sign from the
great beyond.
And when they aren’t begging for a sign, they’re trying to
capture voices on recorders. But if
ghosts were real, the adventurers forget completely who they’re talking
to. I’ve seen episodes where they’re in
an old set of tunnels used during the underground railroad and they hold up a
tape recorder and say “If you have something you’d like to say, speak into this
recorder!”
And I’m left thinking, “would the ghost of a black slave
from 1850 have any idea what a tape recorder is?”
Still, noises are recorder and played back a multitude of
times. And within the static, we clearly
hear “bah ma meh foo da”. A little
unclear on its own. So we’re provided
with subtitles to clarify that what was actually recorded is “get out of my
house”. But of course.
Hunting Bigfoot is much the same type of show only ghosts
are removed from the hunt and are substituted with… well… Bigfoot.
These people go all over looking for Sasquatch. It’s not just the mountains of the Pacific
Northwest. They’re in the swamps of
Florida, the hills of Tennessee, and the suburbs of Chicago. Well… not the last one, but pretty much
everywhere else. Anywhere that a grove
of trees stands, an eight foot primate must live.
I actually generally think Sasquatch is possible. Not as some sort of monster but a very
reclusive primate that hides out in the mountains. I don’t go as far as to say it is definitely
real… but of all the mythological and paranormal legends, Sasquatch seems the
most likely to be possible.
But these guys take wild leaps of logic in their hunts. First off, as with their Ghost Adventure
cousins, the Bigfoot Hunters must wait until nightfall. So break out the night vision again.
Then, they tramp around in the woods, splitting up into
pairs to cover more ground, and calling out to each other across the
valley. Great “woops” and “yelps”
echoing across the mountains.
About a third of the time, the callings lead to howling
coyotes answering back. And half of the
time, when this happens, the “hunters” stop and look at each other wide eyed
(night vision cameras make them look even more wide eyed) and they proclaim
“that was a ‘squatch!” Leaving me
crinkling my eyebrows thinking “uh, no it wasn’t.”
The other half of the time, they admit the sound coming back
was indeed a coyote. But… “Where coyotes
are, so are Sasquatches… because they eat the same prey.”
Tree branches cracking can’t possibly be a wandering
elk. They’re actually a Bigfoot trying
to warn the “hunters” off and owl hoots are male Bigfoots seeking a mate. It’s just so obvious if you know what you’re
looking for.
But, with all the ridiculousness of it, I still enjoy the
watching. Sometimes it’s like watching a
murder mystery… trying to come up with the explanations. But other times I sit thinking maybe this
will be the time. Actual proof. And if I don’t watch now, I’ll be the sucker
who missed it!
And at the end of each show, I am the sucker alright. I am the sucker indeed.
TUESDAY…
--- Busy day at work.
Bit of TV afterwards… then bed.
Life of 12 hour shift.
WEDNESDAY…
--- Busy again. Rare
to be steady busy two days in a row.
--- BBQ some burgers for supper (get the last of them BBQ’d
before the… sigh… snow comes). TV after
that.
THURSDAY…
--- 8 hours sleep. A
rare thing for me but after two days of busy day shift, I suppose it was due.
--- Little afternoon baseball on TV before afternoon nap and
night shift.
FRIDAY…
--- Second night is much quieter than the first. Wendy’s and chips make for a fine cheat
night.
SATURDAY…
--- The original plan for tonight was to have some people
over for movie night. But getting people
together is an art I no longer possess and the combo of other plans and lack of
enthusiasm have me cancelling the whole thing.
Ah life in Ottawa… I’m on the periphery of many lives… at the centre of
none. I know I’m not the most outgoing
person and I have no issue with my alone time.
But still, unless you’ve got a long time circle of friends in this town,
you’ve got to book people a good month in advance for the simplest of get
togethers… and confirm with them at least four times within that month or it’s
just assumed the plan is off pretty much the day after it was set up to begin
with. I miss the simple life… call
someone Friday afternoon… make plans for Friday night. Or, for a bigger group, make the call three
days in advance.
--- Anyway, it all makes for a much easier Saturday for
me. House cleaning isn’t as urgent and,
after getting up around 11:30, I lounge more than anything, watch some
baseball… some hockey… some UFC. BBQ
some burgers.
--- Get news from home that uncle Almon passes away. Not shocking, as he’s been unwell for quite a
while… but it does make you wish you were closer to family.
SUNDAY…
--- Out walking for about an hour. Need the rubber boots as there are lots of
melt water pools everywhere. And what
isn’t pooled is muddy.
MONDAY…
--- Grocery run is followed by another hour with the rubber
boots and tramping through the woods.
--- The BBQ is cranking up… hot dogs for the first time in
2013. Mark it on your calendar.
TUESDAY…
--- Fleece sheets come off the bed. A sign that Spring must be here.
--- Vin Scully proves again how he is by far the best sports
announcer that there has ever been. He
is in his mid 80s and calls ball games alone.
No colour commentator to fill out the picture for us. Just Vin chatting with the viewer through the
ball game. Last night, while Buck
Martinez is asking Pat Tabler what a screwball is… Vin Scully is telling us a
story of the Sword of Damocles. And he’s
tying it in to the pitcher on the mound (who has been dealing with injury
issues for a few seasons). So basically,
with each pitch, the Sword of Damocles hangs over him menacingly. And, as the story wraps up, a home run is hit…
causing the sword to loom ever closer… I swear, Vin Scully called ball games
seem scripted they’re that good. While
other announcers lob easy questions back and forth to a sidekick and talk about
every player on the home team as if he’s a future hall of famer.
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