Making It Up As I Go Along #383

Little Drunken Ones
Over the last few weeks I have come to a rather startling conclusion. Children... all cute and innocent and sweet and cute... yes I mention cute twice because it’s just that important... children are drunk people!

What are the qualities of a drunk?

Difficulty walking...
We all know how a drunk walks. They could be positioned five feet away from a barn and be right in the middle of the doorway, and they’ll still stumble enough to find a way to run into the door frame. Hills can cause a headfirst dive into concrete. Just getting from point A to point B can be a literal two steps forward, one step back procedure.

Well children walk very much as a drunk. Deliberate stomps take place on the verge of toppling. A backwards step sometimes needing to balance the wobble of forward momentum. A hill can result in a tumbling little one. And the nudge of shoulder into door frame will bring a quick end to the affair followed by a quick drop onto the butt.

Speaking gibberish...
A drunk person may say anything. It may be truthful... it may be heartfelt... it’s often totally devoid of any sense. Homer Simpson, when drunk, tells a story in which he can be quoted as saying “you’re a baloney”.

Now couldn’t you picture a child saying that very same thing? Where adults will talk civilly to try and iron out differences, children will get frustrated and resort to “you’re a baloney”.

Drunks.

Unable to pronounce words properly...
The phrases may be correct and the words make sense, but a poor ol’ intoxicated individual may slur and stumble all over the word. “I just want to tell you something” can quickly be reduced to “Ieee juice waan t’tell ya somin” when too much beer or rum has entered the body.

Well children speak in much the same way. Many a time I’ve listened to the things coming out of a child’s mouth and then turned to a parent for translation. And many of those times, the parent shrugs and says “nobody knows”. I myself have words of my own childhood to prove this fact. Recently, my parents sent along a list of words I said at 21 months of age. They include:
Brie = bread
Crie = ice cream
Mulk = milk
Oage = orange
Na na = banana
Mouf = mouth

Throw those words into sentences and that could pass for drunkeness no problem.

Public urination...
Only two types of people do this so boldly that others could be walking five feet away and you’re still letting it fly. Toddlers... and drunks. I’ve walked along in downtown St. John’s on more than one occasion, and saw a little river making it’s way down the sidewalk while a man gently sways along side a Water Street office building. These are now almost sacred spots. Places where I pass in the light of day, and look upon them, knowing their history. These places are unknown to tourists. Perhaps we could set up a tour. “This is unique architecture seen prior to the great fire of 1892 and, a little known fact, Greg Doyle peed here last Friday night”.

A child has the same sense of boldness. Although sometimes the boldness isn’t there so much, but just the knowledge that what must be must be. Yesterday I went for a walk along the pond. I came along one section where a child had run ahead of his mother and brothers. He paused when seeing me and I heard him yell back to his mom “but there’s a man there”. She called back something reassuring... and then, the next thing I know, I’m looking at his bare butt while he gives the grass a little watering. This being at 3:00 in the afternoon. No bushes to cover his deed. I suppose I should feel lucky that he decided not to face me.

So that’s it. More than enough proof to show that what we see as cuteness in a child is actually the signs of a deep seeded alcohol problem disguised under a veil of cuteness. We must help the poor little drunkards. The only mystery left is how their little livers don’t give out before they hit eight. I guess it’s proof of the resiliency of the human body.


THURSDAY...
— Day after the promotion interview is better. I still didn’t sleep much but the anxiousness is gone now and I can just do my work.
— Go to the fastpitch game tonight. Game one of the semi’s. I coach first base... we lose 1-0. Good game though... I miss playing in such a game.

FRIDAY...
— Sleep a bit... watch some TV... sleep some more... night shift. Chinese food is great and the work is fairly quiet tonight.

SATURDAY & SUNDAY...
— Work Saturday night is quite quiet. Sleep most of the time at home before it.
— Tired Sunday around the house. Got up around 11:00 and was almost asleep... or asleep... up until around 2:30.

MONDAY...
— Keg night with Riggs. Good food and eats... getting spoiled with this Keg thing!
— First day in weeks I sleep well. I had better than 7 hours worth last night... getting up around 11:00 this morning.

TUESDAY...
— Quiet day. A walk... a bit of TV... some laundry. And another good night’s sleep.